i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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