How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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