well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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