You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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