You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
