I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Congratulations! We have a period
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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