I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
