i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
