Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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