How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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