I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
