I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
