First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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