Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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