Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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