a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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