i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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