She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I need water and some morals
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