you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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