Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize