my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
