update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
