I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize