Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's shark week go big or go home
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
