This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
