i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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