I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
