Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
