I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
