the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
