FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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