My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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