WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
