My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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