i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
