Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
