I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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