plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
