She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
