Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
