I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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