No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
