did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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