When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
