the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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