When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
