Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
