I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
