We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
