On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize