My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
