Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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