So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
