Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
