his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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