Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
