Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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