Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
