3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
