just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
