Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
