you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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